Category: Advice for Brothers in Christ

Are you new to Christian dating? Or maybe if you have a lot of experience in Christian dating and are finally ready to settle down? Either way, many guys want to know how to be a good boyfriend.

So many of the Christian advice blogs out there focus on getting a girlfriend but very few talk about how to keep a woman. Very rarely do relationships end due solely to the actions of one person, and Christian relationships are no different. Relationships fail for all sorts of reasons but it’s almost never pleasant.

How to Be A Good Christian Boyfriend

If you want to get and keep your girl here’s how to be a good Christian boyfriend.

Godly Relationship Advice

Before we get into how to be a good Christian boyfriend let me say that the Bible doesn’t mention dating, not even once. I believe that is because dating is meant to be merely a transition between our season of singleness to our season of marriage. As Christians, the purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. So by being a good Christian boyfriend, you will show her that you can be a good Christian Husband.

Why can’t we just play the field and settle down when we find someone we like?

Many brothers in Christ ask this question and it’s understandable but let us first be honest about the roots of this question. Do you seriously expect to date multiple women for years and even decades but never have sex? Or is that the point? The worldly male desire to spread his seed among many females. Collect & select or ‘dating around’ is what those who have succumbed to their bodily desires do. Now that’s not to say that you should just settle down for the first girl you meet but truthfully speaking if you date with the intention to marry you will naturally select the right woman for you sooner rather than later.

When I was single I dated women for their bodies and justified it in my mind as ‘making sure I got the right one’. The truth is I had no intention of settling down for most of the girls I was dating.  Once I accepted Christ back into my life I immediately stopped seeing women as objects and started meeting women who were serious about their faiths.

Give Her A Chance

Sometimes God sends us gifts wrapped in plain paper. Maybe a girl who messages you isn’t what trips your trigger necessarily, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t be a great girlfriend or wife.

The reason this will help you to be a good boyfriend is that once you learn that a relationship isn’t like Burger King, you can’t always have it your way, then you’ll be better at conflict resolution. Almost all relationships will have conflicts at some point. If you want yours to last then you need to have good conflict resolution skills.

Understand The Difference Between Love and Being Loved

The reason many relationships fail is because a lot of us don’t understand what it means to be a long term relationship and/or marriage. You see, most of us enter into a relationship because we want to be loved but few us understand what it means to actually love someone else. Loving someone else means that you put their needs above yours.  This means before entering into a relationship you should try to assess what her needs truly are and to accommodate them to the best of your ability.

Too often we’ll enter into a relationship because she looked great in a bikini. It’s not until further down the road that we realize that attacked to that great body a human being with needs, wants, quirks, and desires. That’s why it is so important not to enter into a relationship too quickly which is actually my next point.

Patience is a Virtue

A relationship is not something you should rush into; it takes time to develop. Be patient with yourself in getting to know the other person. You also need to be patient with that other person as well. We’ve already talked about the dangers of rushing into a relationship but even within a relationship patience is a must.

As serious Christians on fire for God, our numbers are getting smaller and smaller every year in America. That means we have fewer and fewer partners to choose from if want a woman who’s on fire for God. This means our relationships take more effort to make work than a worldly one due to the smaller dating pool and Godly dating restrictions.

Be Forgiving

Ask almost anyone who’s been married for more than 5 years and they’ll tell you one of the most important things to keeping a marriage intact is the ability to forgive. We all make mistakes, even ourselves. When others hurt you, most of the time it is not intentional. Forgiveness is a gift you not only give to others but a gift you give to yourself. Now that you have that gift, the question becomes what will you do with it?

By the way, forgiveness isn’t just saying you forgive the person but keeping a mental tally of her misdeeds ready for the next fight. When you forgive someone the record is wiped clean. You shouldn’t use it against her again.

Be Kind & Honest

Kindness is the expression of humility that coincides with compassion, especially when it’s to those who are not kind to you. It is sometimes a hard thing to do but very much needed. That being said you still need to be honest. Just holding something inside is not a good thing. It will often boil over and you’ll act out in ways you’ll regret. If you want to maintain a relationship you should be honest with your girlfriend.

You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married

Your relationship is not an applause line. Guys, please understand that relationships are not about being right and seeing who can gain more power over the other. They’re about working together to come up with solutions that are acceptable to both sides. Just remember if you tell your girlfriend ‘my way or the highway’ and she dumps you, your friends may give you proverbial accolades but once the sun sets you’ll still be single.

Also, will those friends be there to take care of you when you’re sick? Will they still be around when you’re old and decrepit? A good woman that has demonstrated a willingness to work with you on difficult issues probably will stick around, While those friends who always advise you to cut and run at the first sign of trouble probably won’t.

Be a Good Listener

Part of fulfilling your partner’s needs is listening to what those needs actually are. I have always thought that “We hear with our ears, but we listen with our hearts.” Listening is crucial in every relationship that we have. This means that we need to be silent and let the other person speak. It also means that we ask good questions in order to present an opportunity to learn about that other person.

Know What You Want

The last but most important thing to being a good boyfriend is to make sure you know what you want in a relationship. Do you really want a relationship or more so just a friend with benefits? If you want a real long term relationship that will lead to marriage do you understand how much work real relationships take? Often times we say that we know what we want but in reality that takes time and maturity to understand what our true needs are.

Related: Best Dating Sites for Christian Guys

Pray For Her

Did you know that guys that pray for their girlfriends and wives are less likely to cheat (source)? Too often we Christians take prayer for granted but prayer is an essential part of our lives. Remember I talked about putting her needs above yours? Some guys interpret that to mean give her money when in fact putting her needs first can be accomplished in part by simply praying for her every night. Ask God to watch over her and protect her. Remember God listens to all of our prayers.

Bonus Tip: Surprise Her

Girls love a guy who can surprise them. In order to prevent your relationship from becoming monotomous and borning spice things up by surprising her every once in a while. An unexpected gift or group trip is a great way to make her happy and satisfied. A thoughtful gift will really show her that you were listening to her and that you really care about her.

In Conclusion

If you want to be a good Christian boyfriend just try your best. There is no recipe to make the perfect boyfriend. If your girl sees you are making a real effort to be the best boyfriend you can be, she will appreciate it and reciprocate.

I like to think that we learn something new every single day. Relationships are about learning and growing together. Once you learn how to grow with your partner you’ll not only be a good boyfriend but a great husband as well. If you want more information read my article on how to know your girlfriend is marriage material.

Many younger Christian men avoid marriage because they are afraid of choosing the wrong woman to be their spouse. It’s no surprise given all the images we see of men being cleaned out by the wrong woman. I tell you the truth if you learn how to find a wife God’s way you can’t go wrong.

How to Find a Wife According to The Bible

In order to find a wife according to the Bible, a Christian man must demonstrate the characteristics of a Godly man in both his heart and in his conduct. 

What are the characteristics of a Godly man?

A Godly man isn’t afraid to step up and lead or initiate. Scripture tells us in 2 Samuel 10:7,12 ”Be strong, and let us show ourselves courageous for the sake of our people and for the cities of our God; and may the LORD do what is good in His sight.” – 2 Samuel 10:7,12

A Godly man fears only God and speaks the truth in love.

Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. – Proverbs 27:5-6

Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy. – Proverbs 31:8-9

But sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence. – 1 Peter 3:15

A Godly man is humble. 

Let the righteous smite me in kindness and reprove me; it is oil upon the head; do not let my head refuse it, for still my prayer is against their wicked deeds. – Psalm 141:5

You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:5-7

A Godly man lives to serve the Lord above all else. 

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” – Matthew 6:33

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many. – Mark 10:45

Why Christian men should seek a wife

One of the most important things I stress when speaking to Christian men is the importance of finding a Godly wife and, while not to rush, to marry sooner rather than later. The reason this is important is that: let’s face it brothers; the female form is one of, if not the, most powerful weapons the enemy uses against us in our journey towards God. The Lord created the woman for man and the man for woman in the proper channel–marriage.  The thing is it’s much more complicated than that. Sometimes my good intentioned fellow teachers and writers put too much emphasis on marriage–inadvertently leading young men to choose the wrong wife or even leave Christ.

Avoiding corporeal sin is just one reason Christian men should seek marriage. Another important reason is that a good wife is critical to helping a man on the right path to God. It is written in Genesis 2:18 “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”. Scientific data bear this out. It is proven that married men live longer, make more money, and are happier than their single counterparts. In order for a Christian man to have a Godly marriage, he must choose a Godly woman who will help him on his journey.

What makes a Godly woman?

That, of course, begs the question of what are the qualities of a Godly woman? There are the classic qualities that many of us have heard

The most important is that she is serious about her faith. She is a kind woman that wants to support her husband and will stick with him through thick and thin.

Scripture about pursuing a woman

It is written in Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” You see the word ‘find’ is written. I strongly believe as men of God it is our job to pursue and court a woman. The world tells us it’s okay for a woman to pursue a man but I feel that is against God’s plan. Any pursuit of a woman should always begin with prayer. We must pray for His guidance when seeking a life companion.

Christian men are targets for gold diggers

I tell you the truth, Christian men are often the targets of gold diggers, scammers, and others with nefarious intentions. Many gold diggers choose Christian men as their targets because they know that God has commanded us to take care of and honor our wives. An acquaintance of mine from college was a good guy but had a serious problem with lust. His goal was to get married right after he graduated to fulfill his desires.

In his words, he wanted “The hottest bod [he] could find”. He ended up with a girl that was Christian in name only. She regularly went to bars, loved to adorn herself with expensive jewelry & clothing, and even got a breast augmentation. She managed to sink her claws into him and despite pretty much everyone telling him she wasn’t the right girl for him (2 pastors even declined to marry them) he married her anyway. Last I heard a year ago she maxed out all of his credit cards, ran up massive debts, and then filed for divorce.

Related: How to Find a Filipino Wife

Will I Ever Find a Christian Wife?

Absolutely yes! If you are seriously seeking a woman of faith and are following these principles you most definitely should find a Christian wife! These general guidelines will help those of us who are looking for a Christian girlfriend to become our wives.

Date with the intention to marry

The first step is to separate ourselves from the world’s view of dating. The world’s way is not God’s way. The world tells us to play the field and ‘try it before we buy it’ but that’s not what Christ has taught us. It’s important as Christian men that we date with the intention to marry. That doesn’t mean just take the first woman that’s even marginally compatible and shows interest. It means we should be searching for a woman that can become suitable for a life partner.

Looks matter to you and her

Which leads me to my next point. Some people teach that as Christians we shouldn’t look at outward appearance when selecting a mate. As Christians, if we really want a Godly woman our dating pool is limited. The women that are most likely to draw our eye are usually the ones we shouldn’t be dating.  In my opinion, looks absolutely do matter. There has to be some physical attraction. Plus a woman that can’t control her eating probably lacks discipline in other important areas as well.

A good rule of thumb for Christian men to follow is if you can see yourself being intimate with her with the lights on then she’s pretty enough. A good ratio is 30% looks 70% personality. Not the other way around like many younger men like to think.

I would be remiss in my duty if I didn’t point out that we too must work to make ourselves physically appealing to a female as well. Remember, women have eyes too. I’m not saying you need to have abs to get a good girl but if one is overweight working to lose some of it will help you tremendously in your search for a suitable spouse. Not to mention as servants of God Christians are commanded to take care of our bodies. (1 Corinthians 3:16-17) (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). If you have weight to lose try the 1 Week Diet. It’s the fastest weight loss plan I’ve seen!

Look for consistency in her beliefs

Some women will claim to have Jesus in their hearts but their beliefs are inconsistent. If she tells you that she loves the Lord and is serious about her faith yet can’t recite a single Bible verse verbatim that shows lack of sincerity. Remember the shortest verse in the Bible is just two words “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). Think about it, would you take someone seriously who said Star Wars was their favorite movie but couldn’t recite a single line from the film?

Related: A REAL Christian Cafe vs Christian Mingle Comparison

We must be Godly men

Men of God must behave in a manner that bequeaths the teachings of Jesus. If you truly want to be a Godly man there are the obvious things I’m sure you already know: don’t push her to sin with her body, respect her, and honor her, etc. While those are correct the role of the man in the relationship is to lead with honor and integrity. It’s your job to make sure the relationship stays on track towards a loving marriage or end it (1Peter 3:7).

Let’s say, for example, you’re dating a nice young lady. She’s educated and has good morals but you’re just not feeling it with her. Even after trying and trying the feelings just aren’t there and you’re seeing her getting attached to you more and more. It’s your job as a man to put the breaks on. Yes, it will hurt her temporarily but we both know it’ll hurt her a lot more if she finds out that you just settled for her. If you’re not feeling it with her despite the fact that she looks good on paper that means God is trying to tell you she’s simply not the right woman for you.

The core of a Christ-like man and husband is to be a leader of his household and stand with honor & integrity. Christian women want a man that shows strength, not just physical strength but the strength to stay in the path of Christ despite all of the temptations and desires that will be thrown at you two.

We must look in the right places

In order to choose a wife God’s way then we must look in the right places. If we meet a girl at a bar she’s obviously less likely to have the values that God wants us to look for. Church or another distinctive Godly environment is the best choice but there are other options such as Christian dating sites. I met my wife on eHarmony. Read my story of how I met my life partner. eharmony one of the largest Christian datings site in the world. They let you see your matches for free. Check to see if they still do that. Christian Cafe is another great option as they work to actually keep the site as Christian as possible–not to mention it’s Christian owned. If you are adventurous and want to look abroad try Christian Filipina. Many mature Christian men look to the Philippines as the women are traditional and have a more forgiving attitude towards age than western women.

Further Reading: Top 5 Sites to Find a Christian Wife

A brother came into my office one day a bit perturbed. I asked what the problem was and he said there wasn’t much good dating advice for Christian guys out there. I was a bit shocked because I always figured there was plenty. But when I looked all I saw was hard rules and stipulations on what not to do but not much affirming information on how a Christian man can find a good wife.

The core things that a Christian man searching for a wife should know are:

• Only date other believers
• Date with the intention to marry
• It is never too soon to marry the right person
• Be a godly boyfriend by living with honor & integrity
• Don’t give up!
• Ask what would Jesus do?

Related: Dating for Spiritual and Romantic Growth

The Cornerstone of Godly Dating

The 1st piece of advice comes in the form of a bible verse: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14). Seriously, if you choose someone that is an unbeliever the relationship almost is doomed to be ungodly. Why? Because he or she will have the entire wicked world on their side.

The 2nd piece of advice is this: Always date to marry and never date just to date.

As Christians we must align our lives with the teachings of Christ as much as possible. If we date just to date our chances of giving in to our bodily temptations increase exponentially. Remember Jesus told us that even looking at a woman with lust a sin against God (Matthew 5:28). Therefore it is important that we try to marry as young as is practical. God doesn’t hate sex. He loves sex and wants us to enjoy our bodies and our partners–just in the right way. Just as gluttony being a sin doesn’t mean God hates eating; the prohibition of sex before marriage doesn’t mean God merely tolerates physical pleasure. God made woman to satisfy man and God made man to satisfy woman.

Collect & Select is Not Biblical

Why can’t we just play the field and settle down when we find someone we like?

Many brothers in Christ ask this question and its understandable but let us first be honest about the roots of this question. Do you seriously expect to date multiple women for years and even decades but never have sex? Or is that the point? The worldly male desire to spread his seed among many females. Collect & select or ‘dating around’ is what those who have succumb to their bodily desires do. Not that’s not to say that you should just settle down for the first girl you meet but truthfully speaking if you date with the intention to marry you will naturally select the right woman for you sooner rather than later.

When I was single I dated women for their bodies and justified it in my mind as ‘making sure I get the right one’. The truth is I had no intention on settling down for most of the girls I was dating.  Once I accepted Christ back into my life it wasn’t long before I signed up for a Christian oriented dating site and found my beautiful wife Nicole.

Related: How I Met My Wife

How to Be a Godly Boyfriend

If you truly want to be a godly boyfriend there are the obvious things I’m sure you already know: don’t push her to sin with her body, respect her, and honor her etc. While those are correct the role of the man in the relationship is to lead with honor and integrity. It’s your job to make sure the relationship stays on track towards a loving marriage or end it (1Peter 3:7).

Let’s say, for example, you’re dating a nice young lady. She’s educated and has good morals but you’re just not feeling it with her. Even after trying and trying the feelings just aren’t there and you’re seeing her getting attached to you more and more. It’s your job as a man to put the breaks on. Yes it will hurt her temporarily but we both know it’ll hurt her a lot more if she finds out that you just settled for her.

The core of a Christ-like boyfriend and husband is to be a leader and stand with honor & integrity. Women want a man that shows strength, not just physical strength but the strength to stay in the path of Christ despite all of the temptations and desires that will be thrown at you two.

Next piece of advice: It’s never too soon to get married*

Many Christians struggle with the question of when is the right time to get married. I strongly believe so long as you’ve followed the biblical principles* in selecting a companion in the first place it’s never too soon to get married. In fact, I don’t advise that Christian couples date longer than a year. If after a year you’re not ready to walk down the aisle then that probably isn’t the relationship God wants for you.

Historically, people got married in their teens and early 20’s. Now people are waiting until their 30’s or even 40’s to tie the knot. Here’s why it’s best to marry as soon as possible –and no it’s not just about giving in to bodily desires.

• Scientific research has shown that a woman’s best eggs come out first. Therefore starting a family sooner rather than later means it’s less likely to produce a child with autism or Down syndrome.

• The longer you wait to marry the significantly greater chance you have at succumbing to your bodily desires. Your companion will be there to satisfy your needs once you are married.

• When you get married young it’s easier to grow together. Once you reach your 30’s and 40’s you’ve already formed your habits and traditions and its much harder to adjust to having a life companion. Whereas when you both start off young you form your habits and traditions together.

Christians follow the advice of Christ

The modern world tells you it’s better to wait as long as possible to marry. They say if you wait you won’t get divorced. If that’s true then tell me why is it that in Utah they get married younger than the rest of the nation and the state has the lowest divorce rate in the nation? Not to mention it’s also the happiest state in the union.

You see, that’s what the world doesn’t tell you. You can’t just take one biblical principle, throw it in the goulash of sin and it when doesn’t work use it to try to disprove Christ. We must put all the biblical principles together in order for the system to work like a perfectly oiled machine. People that irresponsibly date for lust and get married right away do have a higher chance of divorce. People that date with the intention of being with someone for the rest of their lives not only stay together but are happier. And yes; young adults who were raised in a responsible Godly environment are capable of making such an important decision.

What does the bible say on marrying young?

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18)  The world will tell you to date and hold out until nearly the last possible second to get married. That is not advisable. Remember in the beginning of this article I told you my wife and I sinned before marriage? It was because we waited more than a year to get married.

Since, as a Christian, you are dating with the intention to marry that means you’re choosing a companion that is the best for you and will help you on your walk with Christ. After one year you should know whether or not he/she is the right one for you. That’s why I recommend after one year together it’s time to have a serious discussion about the progression of the relationship.

What would Jesus do?

Jesus told us that he would always be with us. His corporeal form may be deceased but the son of God never left us. Whenever you have a question or a doubt about something imagine Jesus is standing right next to you. Do you think he would approve of what you want to do? Maybe you and your girlfriend just got into a bad argument and an attractive woman messages you on Facebook. Before you begin making excuses in your head to entertain her think about whether or not Jesus would approve. Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t have the financial status you hoped for and your handsome boss winks at you. Just as yourself “what would Jesus do”?

Don’t give up!

My final piece of advice to my Christian brothers is this. Don’t give up! I know it’s can be hard out there to find a suitable partner but just have the faith the she is out there. There’s nothing that makes me sadder than cynicism. We’ve all seen that bitter old man that is angry because he didn’t get what he wanted out of life and now he’s going to die alone. That doesn’t have to be you. The key is to never become cynical! If you had a bad break up or a girl you really liked turned you down that just means you’re one step closer to finding the right one!