Christian Dating With a Big Age Gap

Think because you’re young and thin that you’re doing him a favor by being with him? Think again! Think because you’re always flipping the bill that she should be your de facto slave? Not so fast mister!  Real relationships aren’t about keeping tabs. They’re about respect and dating with a big age gap takes a large amount of maturity from both sides in order to succeed.

The Trophy and the Sugar daddy

While there’s nothing wrong with wanting a woman younger than you nor someone that has money those shouldn’t be the only reasons you are interested in inter-generational dating. Living in the Philippines I see this paradigm all the time. An older men walking around with some barely legal girl that has zero interest in him other than his wallet or his passport. The older man knows the girl doesn’t love him. The girl is just willing to endure the gossip and shame for the aforementioned reasons.  The older man is getting a trophy. He wants to show his friends back home pictures  with his prize.

These relationships are always so sad to me as they are unhealthy for both parties. Yes, the young lady is getting money but she doesn’t want that guy on top of her every other day. Yes the older man is getting his trophy but deep down he knows young lady hates it when they are intimate. He sees his ‘partner’ never initiating physical intimacy,  but merely tolerating it. He sees his partner texting her friends laughing if ever he has male issues. Man, that’s gotta hurt!

The Flower and the Butterfly

The good news is I’ve also seen true happy older/younger relationships. The young lady loves every single wrinkle on his partners face and every pound on his waist. The older man loves the immature joke or inexperienced life tale he hears.  No one is a trophy nor a sugar daddy. The young lady is the flower looking to be pollinated and the older man is the butterfly seeking a flower for nectar.  A mutually beneficial loving relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting younger women!

Sometimes people judge when a man decides to date a younger woman but the truth is its natural to be attracted to youth and vitality. There are even websites like Christian Filipina where you can seek older or younger women. The reality is many of those men judging secretly want a young woman themselves.  If someone 20 years younger than you is what makes you tick then as long as she’s legal go for it!  We all have our dating preferences whether it be ethnicity, weight, height, or anything else. It’s better to be honest than to try to force yourself to be in a relationship with someone you’re not happy with.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting economic security!

Resources have been a factor when choosing a partner since the beginning of time. Men tend to look for signs of vitality and good health i.e. youth while women tend to look for signs of security and resources i.e. money. Men want a woman that can give him good healthy progeny while women want a man that will stick around and provide security for her offspring. A lot of older men look to younger women for physical attractiveness and younger women are looking to older men for economic security. Neither of these desires is a bad thing.

What does the Bible say about marrying a younger woman?

In Biblical times people married quite young. It was not uncommon for people to be married by age 15 or 16. It might be possible that Abraham married Sarah when she was 14. Obviously, in modern times with major differences in maturity levels, it’s not a good idea, or legal, to date a minor.

And no the Bible does not condone messing with girls that aren’t able to consent (i.e. pedophilia) unlike what some atheists and other non-believers charge.

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent [emphasis mine] and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:5

That being said marrying a woman just for her youth isn’t biblical either. There are several verses that this can be inferred from.

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Matthew 5:28

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Matthew 16:17

While her youth and physical appearance shouldn’t be the primary reason for marriage it is not wrong to desire a younger woman. The Bible gives numerous examples of God granting men he favored with younger wives from Abraham, to Isaac, to Soloman.

Understand that you are both equals

Sometimes men tend to look at inter-generational relationships as unequal. The older partner might think he can control the younger partner because he writes the rent check every month. Sometimes the younger partner might think she’s doing the older partner a favor because she’s with that particular older guy despite all the others that are flirting with her. Neither scenario is true.  You think because you pay the bills that she has to do whatever you say? Think again. She’s a human being that deserves to be treated with respect. If you don’t she’ll leave you for someone that will.

Maybe you think because you are young and thin and constantly have other older men throwing themselves at you that entitles you to special treatment?  You think “man he doesn’t know how lucky he is because he has me!” If that’s the case then your partner is the most unlucky person in the world to have someone like you sleeping next to him.  Good relationships are not favors nor are just about physical intimacy. Never be with someone that thinks she’s doing you a favor by being with you. That sounds basic but many older Christian men have been socialized to believe that that’s all they’re worth.

Avoid buying her expensive gifts & trips in the beginning

We all have it. The urge to shower the one we love with lavish expensive gifts to show our sincerity and love. This is often a fatal mistake. If you try to buy her by giving her expensive gifts no matter how good of a person she is she will come to expect those things from you. What happens if you are no longer able to provide those things?

Just like you don’t want a relationship that’s founded on sex you also don’t want a relationship that’s foundation is expensive gifts & trips. I’m not saying its bad to spoil your partner. I’m just saying don’t do it in the beginning. If you try to buy her you may end up losing her to the next guy that has more money. And unless you’re Bill Gates there’s always going to be someone else with more money than you.

Talk about it!

In an inter-generational relationship often the expenses won’t be split 50/50; honestly almost never.  Realize that just because you might be paying more often than not it doesn’t mean she’s using you. If you’re unsure, just take a step back and look. Is she opening her wallet when she’s with her friends while claiming to be broke with you?  When you’re the one always paying resentment can be a natural reaction. If you feel the resentment towards your partner beginning to fester talk to her about it.

Let her know you understand she may not have much money but you’d appreciate something small like a card, a rose, or even some candy every once in a while. It’s always the little things that count.  Which brings me to my next point; if you’re the one with lower finances there are some things you can do to make your partner not feel used. 1. Don’t suggest expensive activities and then expect him to pay. 2. Do little things. He knew coming in that you didn’t have much money. It’s not your money he wants; he just wants to feel appreciated and to know you don’t feel entitled to his money because of your youth.

Embrace your differences

A personal story: in some ways my partner and I couldn’t be more different. She’s into Ms. Universe and other ‘girly’ things while I like Adult Swim and Star Trek. My partner will never enjoy an episode of Futurama nor will I ever enjoy watching a Ms. Universe pageant. We embrace those differences as should you.  Understand that maybe as an older man you’ve gone through more and been at this game of life longer but that doesn’t mean you should look down on her or treat her like your daughter. She wants a husband not a father. Conversely, don’t interpret advice as him trying to be your dad rather you should interpret it as him trying to prevent you from making the same mistakes he did.

Accept the bitter with the sweet

Yes, you’re going to get strange looks sometimes. Yes, there will be some friends telling you that you can do better or that since you’re the one always paying the tab that she should be a de facto servant. There are even be some haters that call you a pedophile for marrying someone significantly younger than you. These are the things that come up in an inter-generational relationship. On the other hand, if you choose to date a mature guy you’ll get a man who is secure and has your back when something happens. You’ll get a man that understands a relationship is more than physical intimacy. Most importantly you’ll get a man that is actually serious about wanting a relationship in the first place! So spread your wings and find your flower or butterfly!