My other article How to Find a Christian Wife God’s Way was worded towards those brothers in Christ that are intentionally avoiding marriage. It seems an even bigger issue in the Christian community is brothers who want but don’t know how to find a Christian girlfriend. This article is meant for those brothers.
I’d like to start off by answering a Reddit post…
My 21-Year-Old Christian son has never had a girlfriend. –Reddit Post
My 21-year-old son is a Christian college student and has never dated. Never had a girlfriend that I know of or anything. He’s shy and introverted and doesn’t have many friends period. But he does have lots of hobbies. He plays basketball, plays guitar, and collects gas and oil porcelain signs. He says he does want a wife and kids someday but I don’t know how it will ever happen. No, I don’t think he’s gay. He does talk about liking certain girls but never elaborates much. I’ll ask him if he even talked to them and he says no. He says he’s creepy but he isn’t. And he says he’s afraid of falling into sin with women. What do you think’s going on? What could I possibly do for him? Thanks and God bless.
Advice for parents whose son has never had a girlfriend
If you are a parent and your son is having trouble or simply isn’t ready to pursue a relationship your role is to be supportive and offer helpful tips and advice when solicited but absolutely not to push him. Many Christian parents will unintentionally get pushy and dismissive of their son’s need to stay single for the time being. While I do believe God wants our sons to pursue a wife sooner than later it doesn’t mean they should do so before God says they are ready. When it comes to parenting patience is a virtue and if we push our children too hard we may not only drive them away from us but from Christ and we never want that. Remember, the Lord is the ultimate decider of all things–including your son’s relationship status.
The exception is if you notice your son is having un-Godly sexual desires or tendencies. In that case, its time to intervene NOW and with the assistance of a Christian elder or someone of great Christian wisdom that you trust.
How to find a Christian girlfriend
On to you…If you want to but are having trouble finding a Christian girlfriend then we must first explore the possible reasons why. The first step is to relax. I applaud your desire to pursue a Godly relationship and fulfill your destiny but that doesn’t mean it needs to happen right away. As I told the parents God’s timing is not our timing. That being said the LORD always delivers on time.
The second step is to explore the reasons why you’re having trouble finding a Christ-like girlfriend and how to overcome them. I will go over some common reasons why I’ve seen some brothers in Christ have problems finding a girlfriend.
Make sure you understand what a Godly relationship is
Many brothers will try to pursue a Godly relationship for unGodly reasons. While it is natural and perfectly normal to have those desires that’s not the primary reason the Lord wants us to be partnered. Remember, Christian dating is not the same as worldly dating–not even close.
The people of the world date to have fun and fulfill their carnal desires. Quite frankly, worldly dating is quite demeaning to women despite the insistence of some that it’s empowering to them. Christian dating demands respect of a woman and her body. Worldly dating reduces the female body to a commodity that can be tried and tested before buying–like a used car. Christians, on the other hand, date to find a life partner who will help us on our paths toward Christ.
Let me ask you this brother: Do you know what your role in a relationship is as a man of God? Many brothers are quick to quote that the man is the head of the household but don’t know anything else. Frankly, I cringe when I hear that because it’s been abused by misogynistic men to try to dominate and control women and that’s not what God wants at all.
Next question: Have you read through and meditated on the Biblical marital roles and responsibilities?. Do you understand them in the context of Scripture and even Church tradition? Can you tell me what Ephesians 5 or 1 Corinthians 7 say about your duties as the head of the household?
If you don’t know these things then, I’m sorry, but you’re not ready to pursue a Godly relationship–not even close.
My purpose is not to put you down but to make you understand the possible reason(s) God hasn’t sent a good woman to be a part your life yet. If you’re not ready to spend some time learning and growing to further align yourself with Christ. Then you shouldn’t be surprised God hasn’t sent a companion to you yet. As you align yourself more and more with Christ you will begin to change and more Christian sisters will begin to find you appealing.
Sorry Sam, it’s not just the inside that counts
A buddy of mine was having trouble finding a good Christian girlfriend to walk with him on his path towards the Lord. He had a decent job but whenever he wasn’t at work he’d sit in front of his computer playing WoW all day and eating Cheetos. Needless to say, he was rather…err…portly.
He would confidently say that looks shouldn’t matter to the right girl. Fast forward 5 years and he’s still single. He called me one day almost crying “Jake I’m sick of jacking off into this d*mn rag and watching porn!” he exclaimed. Then he asked why no good girls were interested in him. After years of sugar coating it I was exhausted and just plainly told him “Because you’re fat and a lot of girls don’t like fat guys.”. He just sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity. Finally, he said “yeah, you’re right.” and hung up.
He began exercising and cut these vegetables out of his diet. He worked really hard to get in shape. Eventually, he did it and while he’s still single he’s been on a lot more dates than before.
I would be remiss in my duty if I didn’t point out that we too must work to make ourselves physically appealing to a female as well. Remember, women have eyes too. I’m not saying you need to have abs to get a good girl but if one is overweight working to lose some of it will help you tremendously in your search for a suitable spouse. Not to mention as servants of God Christians are commanded to take care of our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)
For shy guys practice makes perfect
There are many brothers that are in decent shape & know their role in a Godly relationship but are simply shy. Women are attracted to confident men who can provide for them and who can make them feel secure. While there is tons of advice on how to gain confidence with varying levels of effectiveness the best thing I’ve seen work again and again is to simply keep trying.
I remember when I was in junior high school I went to my first dance. There was this girl, Katie Allen, that I wanted to dance with so badly. I finally built up the courage to ask her to dance and when I did she laughed in my face and said ‘yeah right’. To tell you the truth I went home and cried that night. I never went to another dance again, even in college.
But once I entered college I decided it was time to try again with women. I started going to the gym as working out helped me feel better about myself and I began to talk to girls. I’m not going to lie and say I never got turned down but the point is I didn’t give up. With each rejection, I learned and grew a thicker skin. It got to the point where my confidence began to show and women started initiating with me.
Your standards could be waaaay too high
Some brothers that take the time to be in good shape, simply won the genetic lottery, or earn good money can get a little too confident and develop standards that are so high they think they are entitled to a girl that is beyond reproach. The baseline standard for all Christian brothers should be a girl that is a believer and preferably one who is serious about her faith. The Bible tells us this in 2 Corinthians 6:14. In my opinion, this also includes avoiding so-called ‘holiday Christians’.
As a young man, it is critical to have a partner that can help you as you begin your life as an adult in this world where Christianity is constantly mocked. I strongly advise against partnering with someone who isn’t a believer with the intention of trying to change them. Remember, they have the wicked world on their side. It’s more likely you’ll be the one that’s driven away from your faith.
Beyond that biblical baseline, we should be open to whomever God sends to us. My sister was having trouble in her dating life when a guy messaged her. He was nice, a Christian, finishing up trucking school, and responsible. The problem was he was portly as well. At first, she wasn’t so sure and asked me what she should do. I told her to pray and look deep in his heart. Today they are married and they have two beautiful children.
If you’re in your teens or early 20’s not having a girlfriend isn’t the end of the world. People are marrying a lot later than they used to. However, as you are approaching your late 20’s and early 30’s if you’re still unable to get a girlfriend despite your best efforts I would begin a deeply personal and spiritual evaluation. Ask yourself why God has decided that you’re still not ready for him to send the right girl in your life. It should be a long painful look in the mirror but the truth shall set you free. You’ll also notice improvement in many aspects of your life–not just getting a Christian girlfriend.