Are all of your friends are getting married around you and seem happy as can be? Are you worried about being single forever? Then read this to learn how to stop being single. **Warning** I’m writing this article to actually help you get a boyfriend or girlfriend. This article is for people who genuinely want to know how not to be single anymore. Not just the same fluff and tired cliches such as: “there are many fish in the sea” or “it’s great to be single so love it” or “Communication is key” that you’re used to hearing. If you are truly sick and tired of being a single women or tired of being a single man then we’re going to go down a deep journey to see what the problem really is and most importantly how to solve it.
As a life coach/counselor that specializes in relationship advice and teaching people how to get a loving partner there’s almost always one theme that comes up in my office. Seriously, it doesn’t matter whether their black, white, Asian, tall, short, fat, or thin almost all of my clients ask me the same question!
How do I get a good man or woman?!
Let us go over a few things I often see and then go over some useful relationship advice to help you get the man you deserve!
If you are a man are you really looking for a girlfriend?
Many men say they are looking for a relationship as it seems more socially palatable to them but in truth what they really want is a fuck buddy. Be honest about it. You can find willing partners who aren’t looking for anything serious on places like Ashely Madison. I might alienate a few readers but based on my experience and what I’ve seen an open ‘relationship’ is not a genuine relationship.
Related: Why Open Relationships Don’t Work
If a relationship needs to be open in order to survive that means one or both partners aren’t getting what they need from the relationship whether it be sexual satisfaction, emotional satisfaction, or both. While there may be a few legitimate open ‘relationships’ most are relationships of convenience. A fundamental principle of any real relationship is commitment; the very thing an open ‘relationship’ lacks by design. So, without further ado let’s go over a few reasons why so many men & women that want a good partner are not able to get one.
Please keep in mind this is me trying to help you. My goal is not to put anyone down or make them feel bad. My goal is to give you knowledge and tools that you need so that you too can walk down the aisle and say “I do” sooner rather than much much later.
That being said I am going to give it to you straight because that’s how I roll. Lying doesn’t help anyone except the liar is what my mother used to say.
Perpetually single men & women tend to be waaaayyyyy too picky!
Seriously, this comes up over and over and…..again and…..again in my office.
Example #1: You have the 50-year-old heavy set guy that wants a 21-year-old DD cup but also insists the expenses be split 50/50
Example #2: You have the African American man that only wants to date white women and wouldn’t be caught dead with a black woman.
Example #3: There’s the gorgeous guy who knows it and thinks anyone who’s worthy of him should be as gorgeous as he is or a billionaire.
Example #4: The Asian woman that only wants to date white men, not other Asians, and wouldn’t be caught dead with a black man.
Example #5: The Asian man who thinks the best way to impress a girl is to brag about his grades.
Example #6: The woman that expects to land a guy that makes 6 figures and be a chief executive even though she only graduated from high school and is overweight
Here’s some stats that may shock you.
2/3 of the adult population is overweight. That means most of the guys and gals that you encounter will be overweight.
Interracial marriages are at an all time high in America. Therefore being more open minded can only work to your benefit.
Bottom line: Your expectations need to match what you have to offer!
Perpetually single men & women have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like
We all have that ideal image of what a relationship should look like. We imagine a wonderful partner that’s always smiling, great communication, and great sex. As a person in the mental health industry I want to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth! Most relationships consist of disagreements and conflict with moments of great happiness & joy.
The thing is those moments of happiness bring so much joy (in a healthy relationship) that it makes everything else worth it! Having a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t typically solve one’s internal issues–it only exacerbates them. Too often I have female clients tell me that they just need a boyfriend so badly when in reality what they need is a therapist.
Bottom line: A partner is supposed to compliment you not complete you!
Okay so how do I get a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Now I’ve told you what’s wrong its time to tell you what’s right. Next, we will go over the things that are necessary for a successful partnership to come into being.
There may be many fish in the sea but what about your bait?
Sorry Samantha it’s not just the inside that counts. The first step is to open the door and you do that by making yourself as appealing as possible physically. Look, we’ve all heard as children that ‘its what’s on the inside that counts’ and we also know if we’ve spent any time at all on tinder, that nothing could be further from the truth. Your looks open the door and it’s your personality that keeps them in.
The popular online mental health website Psychology Today featured an article that stated:
…men’s arousal patterns has repeatedly emphasized their sensitivity to visual cues. As soon as the lust-inspiring image registers in their brain, they become turned-on—not only physically but psychologically, too.
If you are single and looking I strongly recommend losing weight if you have weight to lose. Yes, there is a small community of chubby chasers out there but this is a numbers game. The more people you appeal to physically the higher your chances of finding your future husband. I’ve recommended the Fat Decimator System plan over and over to clients seeking to lose weight with great feedback. The truth is the key to weight loss is sitting right on your kitchen table. Also, keeping yourself neat and tidy with good posture will go a long way towards attracting a date!
If dieting isn’t your thing that’s okay you can still lose weight by exercising at home. I personally love the bodyboss 2.0 portable home gym. It gives a complete workout yet it’s compact enough to fit into a briefcase!
You are what you attract
A lot of clients aren’t happy with the types of people they are attracting. Maybe they’re attracting so-called ‘wierdos’ or people that just don’t appeal to them at all.
Sorry to say but 9 times out of 10 who you are attracting is an accurate reflection of the way the world perceives you.
If you’re constantly attracting an image that you don’t like that means its time to have a long painful look in the mirror and ask yourself why that type of person finds you appealing.
Flexibility, not communication, is key
By now you should be seeing a common theme throughout this article. If you want to get a boyfriend or a husband you’ve got to be flexible. Oh, and I’m sooo tired of hearing that old trope that communication is the key.
Communication doesn’t mean jack crap if all you’re communicating is that it’s your way or the highway. I’m sure someone’s going to write in the comments that they are not desperate and shouldn’t have to accept less.
No I’m not saying to just take the next thing that shows you interest, okay…
- What I am saying is if you’re 50 lbs overweight chances are high the women you will appeal to are also going to be overweight. Therefore unless you’re willing to do the work to lose some weight you need to be flexible enough to accept an overweight partner.
- What I’m saying is if you tend to be the type of person that ‘tells it like it is’ then don’t expect a partner that is thoughtful with their words.
- What I’m saying is if you have bad acne then maybe you can’t expect a girl with beautiful clear skin.
- What I’m saying is if you are earning close to or near minimum wage it may not be realistic to attract a guy that earns 180k. Unless you’re young, thin, and willing to be with someone significantly older and/or heavier than you
Personality is often the problem
Okay, so you’re a decent looking guy or girl who is already fairly flexible but still can’t find a boyfriend or girlfriend. If that’s the case then it most likely is your personality that’s the problem. Sorry to be harsh but it’s what I see way more often than not. Do you have quirks that most people find unbearable? Do you couple your flexibility with entitlement?
Some people that are flexible think that gives them a right to be entitled.
She should do this for me since I’m willing to date her!
I once had an Asian client tell me how irritated she was with her black boyfriend because he wouldn’t give her sex every night. After making sure there wasn’t an attraction or medical issue I explained that maybe he was just tired.
My client then exclaimed:
“Yeah but look at me! So many guys want to date me and I went for a black guy! He should be grateful I’m even with him! “
Unsurprisingly a few sessions later she told me they had broken up. Attitude is everything guys! No one should have to endure dating someone that feels a sense of entitlement for dating them. When I say be flexible I mean be humbly flexible.
Bottom line: Relationships are about love and respect, not keeping score and doing favors.
Think about what you can offer
People don’t like to think of romantic relationships as transactional but the truth is they are. Just like employment, friendship, or any other sort of relationship if both sides don’t perceive sufficient benefit from the relationship that relationship doesn’t happen. Two years ago I had a client that was 34 years old, working part-time, and living with his mom. He asked why he can’t get a well-educated woman. After asking him if he would want to date someone in his situation he looked down and answered with his silence.
Too often I hear clients talk about what they want in a companion. Too rarely do I hear them talk about what they have to offer a companion.
Relationships are give and take! If you’re not willing to, or you simply can’t, give don’t expect others to let you take.
Those fixated on what they can get usually don’t realize how little they have to give.
Another thing I want to clarify right away is that sex isn’t enough. You can be the best in bed but if that’s all you’ve got the relationship won’t last.
What’s the BEST way to stop being single?
I know what many of you reading this may have gone through. Rejection by family and friends, mistreatment by others community, constantly judged because of your appearance. I get it being single can suck sometimes but we must always look at the bright side of life. Being positive will attract good things to you while being negative won’t.
If you are finding it difficult to stay positive then check out Manifestation Wizardry. It’s free and it will help you to beget the mental discipline you need to get not just a successful relationship but also a successful life!
If you want to attract positive things into your life, such as a loving relationship, then you must be positive yourself. That means not snapping at every irritation, being kind and helpful, and not always saying whatever’s on your mind. In other words, you must have the mental discipline to succeed not just in getting a man or woman but getting a good life!
Typically, I avoid discussing my personal life on here but I will tell you a story. I have two friends. Let’s call one Ed and the other Jerome. They’re both African American men here in Minnesota.
Ed, despite all the crap he’s been through he has a positive attitude and a positive outlook on life. Contrast that to Jerome who is an angry person. He’s a great guy and I love him but his constant rants about racism and the ‘white man’ can really wear a person down.
Anyway, its no surprise that Ed is doing well in his life. He has a good number of friends, a loving wife, and is earning good money. While Jerome, sadly, isn’t. He’s always moving from place to place, working random jobs, and of course is single. He always blames everything on his skin color despite the fact that he knows Ed is also African American and doing quite well. His energy, not his skin color, is what enables his poor quality of life.
If despite all the junk you get on tinder or facebook you can still maintain a positive outlook on your life and relationships I promise your chances of achieving true love will be significantly higher than otherwise. A big part of staying positive is to exercise! Exercise causes the release of endorphins in the brain which improve mood dramatically.
Look in the right places!
Where are you looking for partners? Tinder? Bars? The clubs? Then you shouldn’t be surprised if all you’re meeting are guys or girls that aren’t serious. My mother used to always say ‘if you go to the dump you’re gonna get trash’. While I’m not saying people on tinder or in bars & clubs are trash I am saying they’re less likely to be serious about wanting to settle down with someone.
If you want to meet someone serious then you need to go to a place where people are serious. Many women met their husbands at church or in college. If you want to look for guys or girls online then go to a site where people have to pay to join. It’s a fact that people that put their money where their mouths are tend to be more serious. I really like eHarmony as they do the matching for you and you don’t have to worry about being messaged by people you’re not interested in. They also offer a RevID service that verifies that the guy you’re talking to is who he says he is. Match.com is another good one and third is ChristianCafe.com
Here’s How to Get a Good Boyfriend or Girlfriend
- Look in the right places! Go to dating sites where people are serious and they put their money where their mouth is!
- Stay Positive! I strongly recommend manifestation techniques to help you manifest a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife into your life.
- Be as physically appealing as possible! No looks aren’t everything but you’ll make it 100x easier for yourself if you’re in good shape.
- Flexibility is key! Our dating pools are limited. Just remember that the next time you’re composing your laundry list of no’s.