Some people who are frustrated with the dating scene often give up by telling themselves ‘God will provide’, ‘I’ll just pray and ask God for a husband or wife” or some other cliche like ‘let go and let God’. Let me ask you this: If you were hungry would you just pray for God to fill your belly with nutritious food or would you get up and fix yourself something to eat? Why would waiting on God for a wife or a husband be any different? Just because something doesn’t work at first it doesn’t mean we should just give up and make excuses like telling ourselves that we are waiting on God to send us a spouse. It just means we need to rethink our strategy and try again. Finding a partner is about balance.
What does the Bible say?
When the time came for Isaac to take a wife, he took action (rather, his parents did, according to cultural norms): they sent a servant to actively seek a wife (Genesis 24). The servant had certain qualities that he was seeking, and he bathed the process in prayer (verses 12-14). The Lord answered the prayer, and Isaac and Rebekah were married (verse 67).
As Christians, once we know that it is time to start looking for a spouse, we should begin the process with prayer. Committing ourselves to God’s will for our lives is the first step. “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). Delighting in the Lord means we find pleasure in knowing Him and trusting that He will delight us in return. He will put His desires into our hearts. In the context of seeking a spouse, that means desiring for ourselves the type of spouse He desires for us and who He knows will delight us further. Proverbs 3:6 tells us, “In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Acknowledging God in the search for a spouse means submitting to His holy will and desires. God is the ultimate decider in all things.
Will God send me a spouse?
To put it simply; no. No one’s going to just knock on your door one day and ask for marriage. If they do call the police. Some Christians will try to use 1 Corinthians 7:27 which says, “Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife.”, as an excuse to be lazy and/or give up. However, if we look at the verse right before that Paul also said: “Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are.”. It’s critical that as Christians we don’t cherry pick verses and we must take the Word in context. At that time the early Christians were being persecuted and even killed. That’s why Paul advised against finding a spouse at that time.
So if you keep asking yourself “why is God keeping me single?” you should change that to “why am I keeping myself single?”
Here are some general guidelines for Christians seeking a spouse
Don’t be thirsty
Some people who are looking, instead of giving up, will try too hard to get a man or woman. They’ll settle for someone that they know isn’t right for them or worse for a person that is just using them. I tell you the truth desperation is never attractive. It’s just like the businessman who is trying to grow his business. If he gets too desperate for customers and makes his prices too low then he won’t survive very long. If, however, he works to attract customers by advertising and selling a good quality product at a reasonable price more likely than not the customers will come. He’ll build a reputation as an honest respectable businessman in his community. Soon he’ll no longer need to advertise as much, if at all, and businesses will come to him.
Listen to, don’t just hear, what people are telling you
I had a friend that was single and didn’t want to be. He was befuddled as to why since he was an electrical engineer in decent shape with a good salary. All the girls he talked to were either gold diggers or they wouldn’t call him back after 1 or 2 dates. I told my friend to consider not talking about himself, his salary, and his accomplishments so much. I told him that he should really try to get to know the girl he was meeting. He would just shrug me off and keep complaining. You see his problem was he was hearing me but he wasn’t listening. I was trying to tell him that he comes off as cocky and entitled to most women except to those looking for a sugar daddy.
Now he’s 35 & unmarried, and still not having much luck…until recently. Four months ago he called me and finally admitted that he was too cocky and his standards were way too high. He said he was going to make a real effort to curtail his arrogance. Just yesterday he called and said he’s been on 4 dates with a nice woman he met from eHarmony. They’re taking it slow but it looks really good is what he told me.
The truth is not just me but other people have tried to tell him what the true reason (him) that he wasn’t having much luck but he chose not to listen. The bottom line is if someone you trust is giving you hints about your problems so long as it’s congruent with Biblical teachings then it should be considered.
(A)Broaden your horizons
Consider looking abroad for a suitable spouse. More and more people are going abroad for a spouse these days. Many men are because they’re looking for someone younger but still shares their values. Some women like educated men abroad. True story: a good buddy of mine was having a really difficult time with the ladies here. They kept pressuring him to do things he felt weren’t in God’s plan and some even asked for money. In the end he ended up broken-hearted. We (some friends and I) and his parents suggested looking to the Philippines for a wife with good values. Seeing that he’s Filipino it wasn’t a stretch for him so he did. He met a nice woman on Christian Filipina. They talked for 6 months and he finally went there to meet her last July. While they’re not married yet they’re both very happy. He says everything is “so far so good”.
Look in the right places
If you are looking for a good Christian spouse then you must go where there are good Christians. The first option is the church.
Side note: Just because you meet them at church doesn’t mean they have Jesus in their heart!
The second is online. Dating online as a Christian can be a daunting task that some Christians may be hesitant to undertake. There are sites that will help you with that, though. By going to a site like Christian Mingle the other users are, by default, saying they are Christians and are looking for a Christian partner. Now, does that mean every single person on there is going to be a righteous saint? No. But it makes it a lot easier than having to sift through hundreds if not thousands of profiles to get someone you want. When I signed up the site asks you how often you go to church and how important is your faith to you. This weeds out the lukewarm or those that aren’t that serious about their faith.
The number one dating site for Christians is eharmony. Their matching system is second to none and they do a great job of weeding out the insincere and those who just aren’t right for you. I met my wife on eHarmony.
Related: eHarmony vs Christian Mingle
Be a righteous person
Over and over I hear Christians ask why they can’t get a good righteous man or woman. The truth is the answer is in the mirror. Do you curse? Gossip? Tell white lies? You may not think people notice those things but they indeed do. If you want to meet a righteous person then you must first be righteous yourself. Notice, I said righteous not perfect. We all sin and will continue to sin for the rest of our lives but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be working to grow and improve. If you make a sincere effort to grow, I tell you the truth, those around you will notice–including a potential mate.